Alright. I promised myself I wouldn’t succumb and write about The Wedding, but I can’t help it anymore. I’m a woman obsessed and I and I can’t deny it any more. This isn’t a fashion blog, an anti-Britain rant or a hysterical final plea for an invitation, although A) I’m just as anxious as the next girl to see The Dress (!!!), B) I’m a borderline Anglophone and C) I have absolutely no illusions that I would have ever been invited to such an event…let’s be serious.
So why do I care? I’ve been reading- inhaling, more like- any article, blog, slide show, expose, or gossip rag that dares mention the blessed event, and I’ve come to a conclusion: there seem to be several distinct classes of Royal Wedding Enthusiasts, with very little gray-area in between. In order to lend a sense of order to the maelstrom that has become the media coverage, I have devised a system to classify said Enthusiasts, and where you’re most likely to run into them.
- Category 1: Reluctant enthusiasts
Notable characteristics: These are those individuals who vehemently deny any interest in The Wedding, but begrudgingly nurse their addiction to all things royal and matrimonial. In absolute private. Public declarations of interest are frowned upon.
Examples: Anyone who hems and haws at the idea of a watching party, then shows up anyway, to “laugh at all you losers.” Almost all men.
- Category 2: Moderate supporters
Notable characteristics: Moderate supporters are open in their interest of the Royal Wedding, but have limited knowledge of the event itself. These will likely be the people who use it as an excuse to drink champagne before 8 AM. May also Tivo the Big Event to watch at a later date.
Examples: Anyone who attends a watching party at a house, bar or restaurant, regardless of their “reason.” (We know you want to watch it, not point in denying at this point.)
- Category 3: Theme-party organizers
Notable characteristics: Not only have they organized a watching party, but there will undoubtedly be plastic tiaras, paper masks of Will and Kate, t-shirts and English-themed snacks. Also, no talking during the ceremony.
Examples: Almost exclusively women. Can be spotted in bars (“pubs” to them), living rooms across the globe come 1 AM- they’ll need at least an hour and a half to set up.
- Category 4: Die-Hards
Notable characteristics: These people will have booked room and board in London approximately 2 hours after the announcement of the wedding date. They’re also likely to place bets on circumstantial wedding trivia (what color will the Queen’s hat be??) and camp our near Westminster up to a week in advance.
- Category 5: Hunger-strikers, physical alterationists
Notable characteristics: This category of Royal Wedding Enthusiasts are about as obsessed as you can get, and their fervor knows no bounds. They have been known to tattoo their teeth with likenesses of the couple and hunger strikes are not uncommon. These individuals should be viewed as potential security threats.
Examples: The probability that you will miss one of these individuals is doubtful, but anyone who dresses eerily similar to Kate, has started speaking with a British accent or is reduced to a quivering puddle of emotion when the Royal Wedding is mentioned ought to be treated with care.
I hope this proves helpful when you find yourself huddled on your couch wearing a tiara drinking English breakfast tea at 3 AM, still trying to convince yourself you don’t care about it that much.