Lately, I have observed some truly heinous acts of poor driving. Living in a big city, I accept that there are simply too many people for our humble highways to handle, and that our over-worked police force has better things to do than mediate road rage-fueled fender benders during morning rush hour. Which is why I have come up with some suggestions that might make everyone’s commute a little more pleasant.
I would like to start with blinkers. The man who invented blinkers, Oscar J. Simler, intended them to be used as a mechanism by which one driver could signal to another driver that he was about to change lanes or turn. Genius really, a little red light to warn strangers on the road of your impending shift from one lane to another. Unfortunately for Mr. Simler and his glorious invention, there are many individuals on the road who seem to believe that they are above The Blinker, and that The Blinker is for kids in driver’s ed and wusses who don’t like to live on the edge. To those of you who fall into this category, I challenge you to remove your head from your rear-end, extend your left pinky finger and turn on your blinker. Otherwise we will all have to sit in traffic while a tow truck removes the scraps of your crotch rocket from the highway embankment.
Moving on to extraneous in-car activities. This includes, but is not limited to, the application of make-up, shaving, imbibing in any sort of beverage, eating, texting and yammering on your phone. But wait, you’re thinking, I’m an excellent driver when I talk/text/get dressed/shave my armpits and drive. I assure you dear friend, that you are not. In an egregious over-estimation of your personal ability behind the wheel, many of you partake of a morning latte or an afternoon snack after work, thinking little of your fellow commuters who- knuckles white from gripping the wheel, right foot hovering over the brakes- scowl in contempt as you swerve from lane-to-lane because you’re venti- double tall- low fat- no sugar- soy- vanilla- hazlenut latte slopped across your dash while you attempted to type an email. If you absolutely must perform any task other than driving, while you’re driving, kindly limit it to one unnecessary activity at a time.
Which brings us to my final suggestion. Sadly, us lowly-American drivers do not have autobahns, and based on the number of licensed drivers who still do not understand the concept of the left lane, nor do we deserve them. For those of you who clearly missed driver’s ed, the left lane is what is referred to as the passing lane by more seasoned drivers. What this means is- are you following?- you don’t cruise in the left lane. You don’t take a Sunday drive in the left lane. If you’re going to be in the left lane, you had better be hauling. If the posted speed limit is 70 mph, you had better be going upwards of 75. Under no circumstances should you drive below the speed limit in the almighty left lane. I hope this cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about the purpose of the left lane.
Having wrapped-up my friendly driving suggestions, I want to thank you for taking the time to read my letter. I hope this proves useful the next time you find yourself driving on the highway.